Florida Memorial

Today I booked my flights for Dad's memorial service in Florida on February 6th. I'll be going down to Ft. Myers on the 3rd and returning on the 7th. I think Carolyn and I are on the same flights.

Weird

This morning was a task morning. Matt and I stopped at church to set up Masses for next year for Mom and Dad. Then we picked up Ty and Leah and headed to the cemetery for an appointment with Ken, the director of Dad's funeral service for the cemetery. This was a follow up appointment - as it turns out he gave me a book for some pre-planning for my funeral service (weird). Then on to the grocery for Christmas Day appetizer fixings. Then home for lunch and an afternoon of work. All morning long, Leah counted how many times she said "weird" (45 at last count).
But weird pretty much describes Christmas this year. I did zero shopping except online for a few gifts for Ty and Leah. I've done zero baking - although my freezer is full of cookie dough. I've wrapped zero presents.
I'm waiting. Perhaps this year Christmas will be about the birth of Jesus for me. Perhaps this is the year it will about welcoming our Saviour. I'm waiting for the peace of Christmas to envelope me.
And - based on all my previous Christmases - that will be weird, but a good weird.
Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

Come Lord Jesus, Come

Mary`s Boy Child (Harry Belafonte)

Letters to Dad

I wanted to keep these notes to Dad written by my cousins.  I hope they don't mind if I publish them here.  They are a great tribute to Dad - the man.

From Butch:
I am so sorry to hear the news about your dad's MRI..I can't find the words to tell you how sad it makes me feel. To me your dad has always been the same young age, in my mind never growing older forever young, a zest for living, an infectious laugh.Even at our visit Elaine, when he was hurting he seemed the same and even more courageous. I remember but can't recall the words of a letter he wrote me when I was born, he was in the Navy so I'm guessing 18 it was like a big brother's letter, never forgot it.


When we lived in New York and he was working on the project in New York city he made some visits out to see us which were fun, because we usually would go to the ocean, which he seemed to enjoy just staring at...and of course we had great fun when I would go down and visit him in the city, a couple of guys hanging out....it seems like only a couple of times but it was fun touring around the city. He introduced me to Greenwich Village, Times Square which for various reasons was awesome, and then a couple of friends but not in the actual sense girlfriends came to visit me from Ohio we went down to visit your dad and had a grand time squiring them around the city.
When I came home to Cincy to visit my family before going to Vietnam, your dad was there and gave me a sense of purpose a personal reason for going and that was it would make me a better man, confident and secure...and you know believe it or not I think he was right, though I doubted it at the time.
At my own dad's funeral, he was the one I sought out for comfort and of course he was there...so the whole situation saddens me greatly and so I guess I am writing this to let you know, that to me your dad is more than an uncle I feel he is a friend and a genuine good guy, it is a bum deal and he deserves better....love to you both...butch
 
From Denny:
Uncle Elmer,
It was great seeing you before Thanksgiving. I learned more about what it was like growing up in your household than I ever did from my mom. It was nice to get a guy's perspective and to hear of your entrepreneurial efforts to fence trolley transfers, grab free pies and watch (hopefully from a distance) the KKK doing whatever it is they did on the hills behind your house.

You've always been my favorite uncle and you saved my bacon at least one time that I can remember. I think it was while you were working in the New York area during the early 60s when we lived in North Bellmore and you would come to visit once in a while. During one of those visits I jumped on my bed as I often did when entering my room and the bed broke with a crash that made my heart sink. I knew my dad would kill me when he got home. I threw myself on the mercy of you and my mom, begging you to somehow fix the problem. While my dad and I went out somewhere that evening, you managed to drive some screws through the broken bed brace and, as far as I know, my dad was never the wiser. So . . . thanks for that! You also took us to the (I think) Telstar installation in Maine during our two-family visit to Plum Island in Mass. I was briefly a big man with my space-crazy buddies as a result of being so close to this brand new space age technology.

I've always enjoyed your sense of humor and your put downs were invariably soft and funny ("you're one fart smeller . . . er, smart feller") that taught me there are many different ways to send a message to someone without being ugly about it. Great laugher. Nice smile. Navy man. See, you have the whole package!

Uncle Elmer, I guess my message is simply this: Each of us impacts those around us in ways we never really understand or appreciate at the time. And there's a part of you in me -- and always will be. Thanks for that.
Love,
Denny

From Sharon:
Dear Uncle Elmer,


I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and that you are in my constant prayers. You were the first Uncle I really got to know. Do you remember when you used to come visit us when we lived on Long Island? In those days, people didn't move as much as they do today and we were a little odd with what the New Yorkers felt were funny accents. Then you came and talked just as funny as we did!!!! I remember you coming to visit us and you were quite the curiousity to me as a young girl. I hadn't spent much time with family and to think that my Mom had a brother like me was pretty special. Thank you for being there.
Do you remember the trip to Plum Island? Mom and Dad didn't usually have vacations like that. We were always traveling to new destinations and to spend that kind of time in one place with my cousins was very exciting. The water was so very, very cold and Denny still remembers trying to get into the cabin when I was sleeping and counting flies that he caught in a cup.

I also remember all the family gatherings at your house in Delhi. You even took me in a couple of times.

I think God is looking at you and saying, great job good and faithful servant. You are like the worker that took the treasure and invested it. Look at your kids....aren't they amazing. They have always been so warm and kind to me. Bill was always so much fun to talk to and he was so good to Mom and Dad when he lived in Union. Barb is such a treat and she was so kind to me when Dad was sick. She wrote me and gave me such a great care package. Elaine and Caroline are like some powerful dynamic duo. And Susan always reminds me of the the little girl who said, "I hoird the boird choirp." Denny used to just love the way she talked. Little did I know that I would choose that as a profession! All of your family have made me feel special...I think the girls feel sorry for me that I don't have a sister. But, they always make me feel like I almost have a sister.
All of them seem to be doing such an awesome job with your beautiful grandchidren as well as the beautiful Julie and your delightful great grandchildren. You have given them what they need to share all that love with their families. They know how important family is and they learned that from you and Aunt Rita. As a young man, could you have ever imagined you would have been blessed with all these beautiful people in your life? Thank you from someone who has benefitted from also having these beautiful people in my life.
I love you and I thank you for all you have been in my life. Great job.
Love,

Sharon

Things I Want To Remember

During the last few days of Dad's life, many hours were spent in the room with him, caring for him, keeping him company, and making him stay in bed. 
Each day was a new problem to solve - how to get Dad up after a fall, how to move him around on the bed without hurting him, how to get him to eat something.  Seemingly small things - but we had no experiance with one so sick. 
There was a special chair that we called "the viewing seat"  that seemed to be in Dad's line of vision the way he naturally laid in bed.  That seat was rarely empty - even when Dad slept.
For Dad, Stan was someone he could depend on.  On Sunday night I watched as Stan sat in the viewing seat, and Dad looked at him with such love in his eyes.  Stan helped him out of bed when he wanted up, he was a refuge from all the women mothering him - I think. 
We developed a system for getting Dad out of bed to use the bathroom.  It usually took 3 people - but 2 could do it in a pinch.  Carolyn and I managed on Sunday morning, JR and I on Saturday, and after that Jason, Stan, and I worked it out.
When Jason arrived on Sunday and saw Dad, he was so upset.  It was impossible to know how much Dad needed help unless you were actually there in that house.  But Dad told Jason a rude joke - later in the day as they watched the Bengal's game.
Things that made Dad smile - a note from Shirley Meurer that talked about their fun times together, learning that Navy beat Army, a Christmas card from Susan with pictures of Dan and Stephanie, Jason's visit (Dad said "I love this guy"), each note the Hessler's sent.  a note from his Florida friends Horst and Lily, who talked about their dog leaving treats at Dad's door, and the many fun times they had. 
I got Dad a Connie Francis Christmas CD and we played it a lot in his room.  Dad loved Connie Francis - and one time I saw his lips moving during the Ave Maria and asked him if he was singing. 
Stan began sleeping downstairs so he could hear Dad if he moved - hopefully to stop him from trying to get out of bed on his own.  Between Thursday and Sunday morning Dad fell 3 or 4 times trying to get out of bed.  Jason, Stand and I kept watch over him in his room on Sunday night, and Lauren and Susan joined the rotation on Monday night.  On Monday night everone dozed - either in Dad's room or right outside his door, on couches, chairs, and the floor.  We all just wanted to be close.
Dad had his last "bath" on Monday.  As out of it as he was, when the nurse aide asked if he wanted to be shaved, Dad said "No" - emphatically.  She showed Susan and I how to change the sheets while Dad was still in bed, how to take care of him personally, how to moisten his mouth with some special sponges on a stick. 
On Tuesday, Susan and I cleaned Dad up some before Betsy - his primary nurse - arrived.  He expressed some irritation at us rolling him around, but didn't seem to focus much.  We all were wondering - is this the 'coma"? When Betsy came in he didn't respond to her voice as he had to the nurse aide on Monday.  She checked Dad over and used one of those sponges to wet down Dad's mouth - much more agressively than Susan, Lauren, or I did - we didn't know how to do it and she was demonstrating what to do - teaching us how to care for him.  While Betsey was in the kitchen cleaning up, she was called from Dad's room.  Emily was in the viewing seat - and she and Susan said that Dad was in distress - waving his arms and such.  Betsey had us roll him on his side - and then said - "It's happening now".  We called Carolyn into the room, and Dad passed away.  Carolyn, Susan, Emily, Stan, Lauren, Betsy, and I joined hands as Carolyn led us in a Hail Mary, and we cried.  Connie Francis was singing in the background.
After Dad passed away, we did not leave him alone until the funeral home picked him up - several hours later.  By that time Elaine, Bill, Amanda, Jason, Julie, Curt, Leah, Tyler, JR, Les, and Joe had arrived. We sat in his room and kept talked about Dad.  Again the viewing seat was not empty.  As they wheeled Dad out, we played the Ave Maria again.
I spent many long hours with Jason, Lauren, and Emily. I'll love them forever - and will never forget the bond we shared as they cared for their Grandpa.

Celebrate!

Yesterday we celebrated Dad's life on Earth, as we said our final farewells.  We worked hard to plan the Mass, and short ceremony at the mausolium.  We didn't plan for the half inch of snow - but it was OK.  At the viewing I saw many people I hadn't seen in years.  Shirley Meurer and her son Greg - who looks just like his dad, Jim Duffy - both old neighbors.  Uncle Andy and Aunt Mary - with their families.  Friends of Mom and Dad - "the IRS ladies", Joe and Dot Willett.  Mom's family - Aunt Birtie and Uncle Francis, and all my cousins.  The remaining Kessen siblings - I so felt their love and support.
We remembered Dad.  He was a man with strong traditions, and bent on passing them down to his children.  He was a caretaker, he was full of advice - all through my life guiding me with his words of advice.  Dad was a fixer - he could build or ceate anything.  And when you needed something done - Dad was the guy to go to.  He was involved in his homeowner's association, he was the one who knew how to repair and handle the sump pump in the elevator, he built a playhouse for my boys when they were younger - a camp house in the woods.   And Dad was the life of any party.  He could mix some mean drinks, and he could dance.  But mostly Dad was a man who loved us all to the best of his ability, who lived his life guided by his faith, who cared for us and raised us to be strong and independant people.

A Couple of Remembances

Monday night Jason and Lauren stood watch over Dad for a few hours. Lauren said it was so hard to stay awake, the lights were low, the oxygen machine was working quietly in the background, and Dad sounded like a Zen fountain gugling away while he slept.
Jason watched the Bengals game with Dad on Sunday, and Dad knew that Navy beat Army on Saturday.
When I wouldn't let Dad out of bed Sunday morning, Dad called out for JR to help him, as he had all day Saturday.
I read to Dad from his Advent book each day, and Friday we prayed the rosary together, well I prayed, he listened.
Carolyn kept trying to think of something that might tempt Dad to eat. His final meal was vanilla pudding, which he really enjoyed.
Carolyn and Stan took such good care of Dad.

Arrangments

Deut 31:6 Be strong and of good courage. Do not fear nor be afraid...for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Today Bill, Elaine, Susan, Curt, and I met with the funeral home and the church to make final arragments for Dad's service.  Dad wanted eveything to be just like Mom's so we began with her program.  We walked in to the church with the readings and the petitions, they were amazed at our organizational skills.  We had to change a couple of things during the service, there is meditation song after Communion, and one of Mom's songs was too girly for Dad - but things are basically the same.  We wanted to have them sing O Holy Night as the recessional, because Dad always loved that song and belted it out each Christmas.  They couldn't do it as the recessional, because it's not the Christmas season yet (liturgical), but they will sing it after Mass, as Dad is being readied for the trip to the cemetery - so listen for it.  We also had to move the singing of the Ave Maria to before mass, when we are placing the Pall on Dad's  casket.  When Dad was so gravely ill, we played music for him.  I got him a Connie Francis CD for Chistmas, and as she sang the Ave Maia, Dad's lips were moving.  I said "Are you singing Dad?".  There was no reply, of course, but I know he heard the music and was happy with it.
At the funeral home, the girls were migrating away from the blue casket.  I personnally am not fond of blue, and didn't like  most of the blue linings.  Curt spoke up and said - "The only reason I'm here is because Grandpa wanted me to make sure he got a blue casket - like Mom's."  So - the girls said "ok.  Show us only the blue ones." and we found one we were happy with.  The rest was easy, because Dad had smoothed the way, as he always did.


I'm not going to retype the arrangements here, but you can find them on Carolyn's blog: http://ourdadsjourney.blogspot.com/2009/12/saturday-services.html

Dad is gone

Dad went to be with Mom at 10:50 this morning.

Sleeping peacefully for now

Dad is sleeping peacefully for now.  His breathing is labored and rattled.  He can communnicate with some difficulty, eventually we get that he wants to be moved around a bit for example.  I read to him again from some more notes we received from my cousins and from his lifelong friends.  (Denny - he got a big smile about the "fart smeller" line.)  We are medicating him for the pain, and any anxiety he might feel as his lungs fill up. 
In the morning the remainder of the family will come in.  There are bodies sleeping all over the house.  We are taking care of Dad in shifts - someone is with him at all times - usually more than one someone.  I just got off duty, taking over from Lauren, and Jason took over from me.  Stan, Dad's rock, remains in the room, sometimes dozing in the recliner, sometime flat out snoring.  In the  morning, there will be even more bodies, even more commotion, even more family love, as we all wait for Dad to rejoin our heavenly Father, and his beloved Rita.
It's peaceful here at this hour, almost 5AM. 
 

Update on Dad

We learned today from the hospice nurse that Dad is in his last few days with us.  She said that he probably has 24 to 48 hours before slipping into a coma, and will probably not make it until the end of the week.  He is resting comfortably for the most part.
His lungs are filling up with fluid, a sign the end is coming.  He has spots of anger and restlessnes, another sing they say. 
We called all my siblings to come.   
Today is Monday - I've been here since last Thursday and was supposed to go home today.  Julie and my husband Joe are coming tomorrow.  Elaine, Bill and Amanda are also coming tomorrow.  JR and Les on Wednesday.  Susan and Lauren are here already. 
Dad said today he didn't want to be a damned movie - quit looking at him like he's a movie!  He has moments of grouchiness.  He also has moments of smiles, and funny saying, and happiness.  Today I think he was "singing" to the Ave Maria on a Connie Francis Christmas CD.  He told Jason an unrepeatable joke yesterday during the Bengal's game.  Those moments carry us through the grouchiness.

Emails

I have received some wonderful emails from my cousins while in Columbus.  I can't respond, but know that I thank you for them, and that I will be sure Dad gets his messages. 
Thanks you for your prayers.

I'm in Columbus

Last Thursday I drove up to Columbus to help with Dad.  Elaine was up earlier in the week - from Monday through Wednesday morning, when she had to leave to travel to San Francisco.  Elaine helped Dad with his Christmas cards, and other tasks he assigned to her. 

Thursday was a busy day.  When I arrived, Dad was in bed, waiting for the nurse's visit, and the nurse aid visit to bathe him.  He also was expecting some equipment deliveries.  We talked some, but Dad was sleepy.  I was amazed as his ability to start a sentance, fall asleep, and wake up 2 minutes later and finish it.  He asked me 4 times what day it was - and finally was able to say he was concerned about getting his lottery tickets before Friday!  We did his scratch offs, and he won 18 dollars - enough to buy his weekend tickets and more scratch offs.  He was happy!

As the day wore on he was even more tired and groggy.  During the course of the day Dad fell twice when he tried to go the bathroom.  He was very insistant that he wanted to walk with his walker to the bathroom, instead of being rolled down.  The second time was too scary - so we told him he had to stay in bed - which didn't make him happy - let's just say. 

We started to get more concerned about his groggyness, especially when he started slurring his words in the evening while talking to Lauren.  So - we called the hospice nurse about his methadone dose.  She said that sleepiness happens a lot for patients on methadone and we should continue to give him his pill - so we did.  The daytime nurse (Betsey) had explained to me that the methadone he was on was for long term pain, and the liquid morphine for breakthrough pain. 

By Friday Dad was totally out of it.  He didn't speak, barely moved, just slept.  Stan spoke to Betsey early Friday morning and she said she was coming for a visit instead of just calling to check on Dad.  We held back the methadone, since Dad was feeling no pain.  Carolyn stayed home from work.  We watched over Dad, tried to decorate for Christmas, consulted with Betsey, took delivery of a hospital bed, a bedside commode, linnens and other equipment for Dad.  We tried to feed Dad some - some broth, some fruit coctail.  We switched him over to the hospital bed without him even waking up!  We continued to hold back on the methadone.

Saturday morning Dad was a little more lucid.  He was awake some, fussed at me some, but still not all there.  JR and Les drove up to Columbus to help me in the afternoon and evening so Carolyn's family could have a day and night out.  We talked with the nurse who visited him, and she explained the purpose of more of his medications.  Three times we lifted him out of bed!  He told Les she tasted like lasagna when she kissed him hello!  He ate a few bites of ham but thats pretty much all he ate all day. 

And today - at 4AM he managed to get up and fall again.  He scraped his arm, but other than that no other injuries.  We are anxious for the nurse to come, and Jason.  Caroyln and I just got him out of bed ourselves - whew!  We are still holding back on the methadone, just treating his pain with liquid morphine.  JR suggested we get a medicine syringe to give him his morphine, so he doesn't have to be laying on his back.  Some times you are such on top of a thing that you can't see the easy solution!

Dad has come to rely on Stan, and is comforted when he is in the house.  Stan "sleeps" downstairs at night so he can hear him.  We have a baby moniter in Dad'sroom, and he listens for the russling of  rsheets.  We learn each day a little more how to care for him.

Dad

Today we learned that Dad has about 1 month left. The doctor said Christmas was a good goal. His lung cancer has progressed more rapidly than they thought. He has been removed from all curative treatments, and is starting Hospice. Here is a picture of him at Elaine's right before Thanksgiving, thanks to my cousin Denny.

Whom Do You Trust?

The one who understands a matter finds success, and the one who trusts in the Lord will be happy.
~~ Proverbs 16:20 ~~

Where will you place your trust today? Will you trust in the ways of the world, or will you trust in the Word and the will of your Creator?

Trusting God means trusting Him in every aspect of your life. You must trust Him with your relationships. You must trust Him with your finances. You must follow His commandments and pray for His guidance. Then, you can wait patiently for God's revelations and for His blessings.

When you trust your Heavenly Father without reservation, you can rest assured: in His own fashion and in His own time, God will bless you in ways that you never could have imagined. So trust Him, and then prepare yourself for the abundance and joy that will most certainly be yours through Him.

Sometimes the very essence of faith
is trusting God in the midst of things He knows
good and well we cannot comprehend. ~~ Beth Moore